I'll Never Understand My Heart
by pyrolyn-776
Summary: Billy and Jane are best friends; two beautiful people completely oblivious to each other's feelings. Everyone else sees it. But one way or another, sooner or later, these two best buds are gonna realize that they belong together.
1. Punching in a Dream

**Insomnia is a terrible thing. I don't own Jane By Design. I do wish I had access to Nick Roux (Billy), though. **

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><p>The news is like a punch to the gut.<p>

He's been sneaking around with Lulu.

_Lulu_.

It's italicized for emphasis. The girl has had it out for me ever since the unfortunate apple juice incident of 1999. I'd rehash the details, but it's a memory I think neither of us particularly wants to relive. The point is that she hates me. It's the stereotypical, rich popular girl archetype that I have to deal with. And I'm just the orphan Annie girl that has to suffer through it. A part of me wants to believe that she went after Billy just to further antagonize me, but that wouldn't explain why Billy went along with it.

Then again, he's a teenage guy. And she's a gorgeous girl. It makes total sense.

But no. Billy's not that vain. He wouldn't do that. I think he really liked her. Likes her? I don't know. I just don't know how I could have missed it. How could he have snuck around for three months without anyone, especially me, noticing? Am I really that oblivious?

"Jane?"

Billy waves his hand in front of my face and I realize that I have completely zoned out on him. Guess that answers that question. I turn my head just a few degrees so that I don't have to really look him in the eye. I'm still staring at his face, but I can't quite force myself to meet his eyes, which are obviously trying to gauge my reaction.

"Three months."

It's not a question, but I breathe out the two words and Billy launches into an explanation as if it is anyway. "I know, I know. I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have kept it a secret from you, but Lulu didn't want anyone to know and I guess I just felt like I shouldn't say anything. But I got tired of keeping up the charade, Jane. I wanted to believe that she wanted what I wanted."

I have no idea what he has said. Except for the last bit. "And you wanted Lulu." It's a dull sort of surprise that pops out of my mouth.

He finally forces me to look at him, really look at him and after his hand falls from my chin, I can see that admitting this to me is hard for him. His best friend hates the girl he likes. Liked? It's a tough rock to be pushing up that hill.

"I...did. Yeah. I didn't want to, but there was something about her. I thought that the rich, mean girl thing was just an act. And maybe being with me would make her want to be different." His head dips down and I suddenly feel sympathetic.

"I'm sorry, Billy."

Even as I say the words, I can feel the level of suck in them. They're the worst to hear, especially when it's something this bad. "No, wait! I take that back! I mean, I am sorry about it all. It sucks. I mean, it really sucks. But it's her loss! If she doesn't want to walk down these hallways with you, hand in hand, just so all of the other girls can be jealous of how amazing you are then - then that is just her loss, Billy."

Oh, the ranting. It's something I don't think I'll ever get over. Not even with Billy.

He sighs. "No, Jane. I'm not amazing. You're my best friend. I should have told you about her a long time ago. In my book, that makes me a pretty un-amazing friend. And I guess a part of it was that I liked this girl - "

He said liked. Liked. Not like. Liked.

" - and she was totally ragging on my number one all the time. I mean, she pushed you into a pool. She's...just not a good person." He gives me a small smile. "She doesn't have the good heart that you do, Janie."

These words melt that 'good heart' of mine. "It's sweet talk like that that keeps me around, Billy Nutter."

"So, you forgive me then? For keeping this secret?"

The bell rings, signaling that our lunch is over. We stand and throw away our trash. I readjust my bag and we stand together for a moment, as I try to put into words what I'm feeling. "I'm not mad. I'm a little crushed that you kept it from me, yeah. I couldn't keep a secret from you if I tried. You're one of two constants in my life. You and Ben. And thinking, _knowing_, that you could go three months sneaking around with someone who makes fun of my clothes, pushed me into pool, and invited me to a slumber party as a prank - I guess I'm just a little bit numb is all."

The thing about me and Billy is that no matter what, no matter what is between us, we're honest with each other about our feelings. It's how we know that no matter how bad it is, we can get through it.

"I know. You're the most important thing to me, Janie. And I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I hurt you." After this totally girly statement flies out of him, he leans in and hugs me and it's a good one. A confirmation and solidification of something deeper than friendship. It's the kind of embrace that we don't share all that often. It's like warmth.

When I open my eyes and see Lulu staring at us from across the courtyard, the smile slips off of my face and I just know that this conversation about Lulu won't be our last. The look she's giving me is one of pure contempt. Jealousy. And maybe a little twinge of regret. This isn't the end of Billy and Lulu.

I just wonder how far into it I'll be dragged.

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><p><strong>How do I bully you into reviewing? Do I add a smile? Do I say please? Do I promise to review something of yours? What do I need to do to get one of those nice comments I know you've got stored in your fingertips? Hmm? Alas, I'm at a loss for what to say. <strong>

**Or am I? If you want to see a continuation, well...you would kind of need to let me know, am I right? ;)**

**I'm not always this cheeky. I promise. All criticism is very much appreciated. Thank you for reading!**

**(Let me get one thing straight, too, before you hound me about it - I am pulling for Jane and Billy one-hundred percent. I'm just trying to do it realistically and build up to it.)**


	2. Breathing Life into My Nightmare

**Watching the previews for episode four made this really hard to continue. So, bear with me...take the last three episodes, and strictly the previews of episode four and that is the universe I'm operating in. Anything else that happens won't be relevant in my JBD world. But it'd be cool if they coincide somehow. Anyway! Hope you enjoy. Big turnout for last chapter's shindig, hoping that you like this. ;)**

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><p><em>As much as he hadn't wanted to, he still cared. So he called out her name. Almost unwillingly. "Lulu! Wait up! Hey, are you okay?" <em>

_She was stressed. That much was evident. "Not really, but we're done, right? So what do you care?" Her tone was the same snobby one she used with everyone else, but at this point, he could see right through it. Bitch wasn't Lulu. She was playing it up for her audience. _

_"I do care, Lu, I do," he told her, almost pleading with her. _

_"Really?" Her voice was timid, as if she found this to be too good to be true. _

_"Lu, c'mon. What's going on?"_

_That's all it took to break her down. "What's going on is I completely tanked my pre-calc test today. My dad is riding me all the time about my grades. And to be honest, I don't even care, because...I miss you. I screwed up everything, Billy. And I'm so sorry. I just want to be with you. I don't care who knows. My dad, my friends. It doesn't matter anymore. I want to make this work, whatever it takes, Billy. I just - I just wish you'd give me a chance to show - "_

_Her cut her off with a kiss, ecstatic with this small turn of events. Finally, they could go public. Be together. Hold hands in front of other people. He didn't have to feel ashamed of where he came from. _

_Then a second realization hit him. _

_"I have to tell Jane." _

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><p>Billy was agonized as Jane spoke.<p>

"It was a terrible dream, Billy. I mean, you were telling me that you had been with Lulu for three months and she didn't want to be with you, she just wanted to keep it a secret. And I was a little upset that you didn't confide in me, but mostly I was upset that she didn't realize how amazing you are, and why are you looking at me like that? Seriously, you look like I've just told you the worst news ever. Relax, it was just a dream. Nightmare, really. And then - and then after we hugged, I could see Lulu from behind you staring us down like she wanted to kill me! I mean you would never keep something like that from me for so long."

The question 'Right?' hung in the air like a bad omen for what was to come.

It was another one of her tangents, where she wouldn't let him have a word in edgewise. Pretty similar to the disturbing nightmare she'd woken up from just over an hour ago. But this one was not about being flustered in the slightest, it was about her adamant disbelief over what her subconscious chose to expose to her. After she woke up, and shook off the itching feeling the dream had given her about Billy's dishonesty, she got dressed and waited for Billy to pick her up so she could tell him about how ridiculous the whole thing was. She would wait for him to laugh and say that he would never hide anything from her. That the very notion was absolutely ridiculous.

"Jane..." he had trouble going on, desperately wishing that he had told her when he should have. The coincidental dream she had just told him was truly uncanny, strange of course, but maybe it was just punishment for his total disregard for years of friendship.

To put it simply, Billy was finally aware of just how much shit he was going to get for this.

But it was Jane who was unaware of how much strength it took for him to keep his eyes focused on her own.

"Yeah?" she responded. "What's wrong? I told you, it wasn't real."

His look was one of inner conflict. Torn between his initial promise to Lulu, and the unspoken one to Jane. It was the latter that wracked him with guilt, because it should have under all circumstances outranked the former. Now was his last chance, the last grain of salt in a frantic hourglass, to explain himself to Jane.

"Billy, what is it?" Her voice, full of concern, was driving him that extra length of crazy.

"Jane, I - "

It was the first bell, putting an end to the last few seconds on the clock. Personalities around them trudged on to their next class, some hustling, others moseying along. Jane didn't move, even though he knew she would be late for her next class if she didn't turn around immediately.

He smiled sadly and said simply, "You're going to be late for class. I'll talk to you later."

Her brows furrowed in confusion, knowing that he wasn't saying what he wanted to. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, Janie." The affectionate name wasn't upbeat, but sad.

She gave him one more second, one more than he deserved. "Alright, see you at lunch, then." She smiled, a genuine one, and spun on her heel.

Once she was out of earshot, he whispered the two words no one ever wants to hear. "I'm sorry."

He missed his chance. He didn't know it, but within the next few hours, there would be hell to pay.

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><p>She had seen them, even when he thought they were being careful. He made Lulu promise not to tell anyone until he told Jane. It was the very least she could do for the months he spent doing just that for her. She promised, and kept it, because she knew how much Jane meant to him. Maybe it was part of the reason she ragged on Jane so much.<p>

But it didn't matter. They snuck in a kiss, behind one of the banisters in the courtyard and she spotted them. At first, she thought she had to be wrong. But there it was, right before her eyes. Lulu's widened eyes and Billy's frantic turn-around was just more of the caught-in-the-act to go along with it.

Within a matter of seconds she was next to them, and Lulu quickly made a getaway for the two friends to have it out.

"What is this?" Jane asked him, unable to keep the shock out of her voice.

"Jane, I can explain." These words made it seem like he was simply implicating himself, owning up to some criminal act he had committed. The thing was, Jane didn't want him to be guilty. She wanted him to blame Lulu, say it was nothing. Deny everything.

"Can you!" she exclaimed, and this time it was hurt and anger seeping out. "Did this just happen?"

His look was one of defeat. "No," he told her after a long pause. "Lulu and I have been together for a few months now."

Jane's fists clenched at this set of information and she no longer had any questions. She narrowed her eyes and lifted her brows in an 'oh, really?' sort of way. Then she turned around, keen on putting as much distance between the two of them as was possible.

It only took him a moment to chase after her as she walked away. Well, as much chasing as could be allowed in a high school setting. It wasn't exactly a John Hughes production. There was no climatic background music. He wasn't chasing after Lulu, he was chasing after Jane. Somehow, the realism just meant more.

When she was just a few feet away from him, he hurried down the stairs and called out her name. "Janie!"

The sound of his voice stopped her, as much as it angered her to know that he held so much power over her. She halted and he stepped in front of her, effectively blocking her getaway.

"I'm sorry." The two words were out before he could think of anything more substantial to say. Inwardly, he winced at his poor word choice. Nearly anything would have been better.

"You're sorry? For which part? For sneaking around for three months with Lulu or for lying about it?" her words, although they felt like an accusation, were fair. He deserved them.

Billy faltered with an explanation. "I should have told you the truth."

"But you didn't."

"But I wanted to," he exclaimed adamantly, wishing that the desire alone to be honest was enough. He stumbled through to his next line, "We just - we didn't know what it was at first."

Jane scoffed. "_We?_" she asked him sharply. "Who? You and Lulu? Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds?"

He felt the need to defend Lulu despite the fact that with Janie, at the very least, no amount of defense was sufficient. "See, that's why I didn't tell you. I knew you wouldn't understand."

He wanted to punch himself. Open mouth, insert foot.

"You didn't give me a chance to understand. And - and now it's too late."

And there it was. The dreaded words he didn't want to hear. "No! Don't say that! I'm going to fix this."

Her look was grim, unwilling to accept the guy she once trusted more than anyone standing in front of her. "I just want you to leave me alone."

She walked on past him, and Billy's mouth was left open. He didn't have anything else to say. But he realized that he was wrong. These final words of hers were far worse than anything he could have anticipated.

He watched sadly as she rounded the corner and knew that this time around it would take for more than a simple hug and a heart to heart to 'fix' things. He had, for the first time, truly hurt her. It was gut wrenching. In getting the girl, he had lost the most important person in his life.

"I promise, Janie, I will make this up to you. I'm going to fix this."

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><p><strong>You need an explanation! I didn't decide it until a few days after putting it up, but the first chapter is actually a dream sequence in Jane's point of view. Shocker? The italics at the beginning of this chapter are a flashback, set perhaps a day before the events of the rest of the chapter. I hope it wasn't too confusing. Maybe you liked it..? Still rooting for JaneBilly? We need a name for them...Bane? Jally? Suggestions?**

**To my anonymous reviewers****, I wish I could have replied with a more personal thank you. And to my anonymous as well as**** my not-so-anonymous reviewers, seriously, you're awesome. I cannot believe the reception to this first chapter. And it's been great encouragement to get off of my lazy literary ass and post this follow-up. I hope that you dig it - and that you want to see more.**

**To the story alerters, the favoriters, and the newbies, wanna be even more awesome than you already are? Be like the cool kids ^.**


	3. I Could Use Some Friends For a Change

**Well, hey there...I just wanted to apologize first for taking so long to update this thing. I'm sorry. I got swamped with school and real life drama. College problems, anyone? Ha. But anyways, THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH to everyone who has reviewed the first two installments. It's kinda crazy how this small thing blew up. I sincerely hope that you all enjoy this next piece. I'm trying not to get too carried away with what's happened in the season this far, so I'm still operating in the first few episodes. Hope you enjoy! Thank you again!**

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><p>Jane woke up to a subtle banging on her bedroom door. Stumbling out of bed, she opened it to see a less than enthused Ben. She yawned and declared with a bit of a whine, "Ben, it's Saturday."<p>

"Yes, Jane," he answered in a deadpan, "yes, it is."

"Well, what do you want? It's..." She turned around as if to find out the time, before she realized there was no clock in sight and her phone rested almost mockingly on her dresser. "Well, I don't know what time it is, Ben, but it feels like it's early and I don't want to be awake right now. Can you please just tell me why on Earth I need to be up right now?"

His expression didn't alter. "It's seven in the morning, Jane. No one wants to be awake right now. But, there's a chipper Billy standing on our doorstep right now and I tried to ignore him for all of five minutes, but the kid won't leave. Do me a favor, Jane, and talk to your best friend before I kill him."

Jane sighed, running her hand through her slightly disarrayed hair before nodding to Ben. "Yeah, you're right. Okay, go back to sleep, Ben. I can handle this."

Ben smiled tightly, wishing her the best and giving her a brief, brotherly hug before he slipped back into his bedroom. He knew enough about his sister and her relationship with Billy to know that they'd work this out.

Jane stepped back into her room and grabbed her robe, slipping it on. She pocketed her phone as well, just out of habit, before she took a deep breath and headed towards her front door. She had successfully avoided any substantial conversation with Billy for the past few days, which was about three lifetimes in their world, and she had seen this confrontation coming. She hadn't seen this coming at seven in the morning on a Saturday, and frankly she wasn't sure if it was a strategic move on his part - keeping her less prepared in her sleep deprived state - or if he was just being cruel.

She opened the door and Billy nearly fell over himself in relief. "Janey," he breathed out.

She tried to rub the sleep out of her eyes as she answered, "Hi, Billy." The Quimby charm shone through, as her tone was nearly a perfect imitation of the one Ben used on her not moments earlier.

Billy pressed his hand against the door frame, not even trying to get Jane to invite him inside. He just tried to get her to see that he was sorry for what had happened, that he was sorry for not banging on her door for the past three days, and that he would continue to be sorry until she looked at him like he hadn't knocked her over with a sledgehammer.

"Jane, I know that these aren't the words you want to hear, but I'm prepared to get on my knees and repeat them for as long as it takes until you forgive me. I am so sorry for lying to you about Lulu and everything else that has happened in the past few weeks. You are my best friend, the most important person in my life, and knowing that I hurt you kills me."

Jane leaned her head against the doorframe as well and threw Billy a bone in the form of a small smile. It was enough to make Billy's tightened muscles relax.

"Billy, you know that I could never stay mad at you for long. You're my best friend, and it just hurt my feelings that you were keeping this secret from me. I felt like you didn't trust me." Billy went to respond, but Jane shook her head. "Hold on. Let me say this, okay? Billy, I will always be on your side, because I love you and you, and Ben, you guys are my world. And it just totally _sucked _when I found out. It hurt me more that you hid it from me than it being Lulu. You get that, don't you?"

Billy did know that. Jane didn't have a vindictive bone in her body. Lulu was her rival and she certainly didn't like her, but had he told her from the beginning, Jane would have been shocked, but eventually he'd get over it. She'd try to tolerate her for him.

"I know, Jane."

She nodded. "Good. Don't lie to me again," she said, her serious voice the most endearing thing Billy had heard in a while. "If you do, I'll...kick your ass," she said jokingly.

He held his hands up in mock fear. "Wouldn't want that. Pretty sure you'd hand me my ass, Janey."

She laughed and pulled him inside. "Don't you forget it."

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><p>"So, what did Jane say when you went over?"<p>

Billy looked at Lulu, surprised that she showed any interest in what Jane had to say. "You actually want to know?"

She looked at him like he was crazy, setting down her fork and sighing in exasperation. "Yes, Billy, I actually want to know. She's your best friend and obviously you and me aren't going to work out if Jane hates us being together. So yes, I'd like to know how she reacted."

Billy accepted this and set his fork down as well. They were on a legitimate date, one of very few now that they'd officially declared themselves a couple. It was new to both of them, not just with each other, but in general. They were both casual people. Casual sex, casual dating. This whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing was odd, exclusivity was odd. Dating each other, kids from opposite ends of the socioeconomic spectrum was for lack of a better word, odd. So they attempted to ease their way into the relationship with the expected norms an exclusive relationship demanded. He still hadn't met her father yet, and she hadn't been invited to hang out with him and Jane in their world, but they were taking baby steps. Dates. Long talks, not just make-out sessions. They were learning there was more to the other than they'd assumed over the years.

Billy looked away for a moment, finding it odd to be talking about Jane to Lulu. There was still a part of him that wanted to protect his best friend from her childhood nemesis, even though that same person was now his girlfriend. He just couldn't get it out of his head that Lulu would try something with Jane. She'd already pushed her into a pool.

"She forgave me pretty quick," he said. "I should've known I wouldn't have to do much groveling with Jane, though. She's the most forgiving person I know."

The affectionate tone made Lulu tense up a bit. Billy couldn't have guessed that his relationship with Jane made Lulu feel insecure about losing him, but then he couldn't know that Lulu suspected that there were feelings of the romantic variety lurking beneath the golden friendship the two had.

She pushed the nagging feelings aside. "Did she say anything about me?"

Billy looked at Lulu curiously. "Lulu, are you telling me that you care what Jane thinks about you?"

The usually poised it girl shifted uncomfortably in her seat, not wanting to admit a confirmation to Billy's question. She merely stayed silent, but the silence was enough of a yes to get Billy to smile.

"It's okay to want Jane to like you, Lulu. It's great, actually. I mean, don't you think it's time that you guys put the rivalry behind you, bury the hatchet, let bygones be bygones - "

Before he could continue with the idioms, Lulu cut him off. "You don't think she hates me at this point?"

"It's Jane. She doesn't hate anyone."

Lulu rolled her eyes. "Billy, I pushed her into a pool two weeks ago. When we were twelve I told the entire seventh grade that she taped a picture of Nick Fadden to her ceiling so he'd be the last thing she looked at before she went to sleep. I've been nothing but horrible to her. If she doesn't hate me, I think we've got more to worry about."

"Okay, so you've kind of been a bitch to her over the years," he said, trying not to be overly harsh. "Buuuut, it's never too late with Janey. Unless you're her mom. That ship's kind of sailed," he added as an afterthought.

Lulu raised an eyebrow in question, but chose not to ask. That seemed like the kind of thing that she just shouldn't touch.

"Well, maybe we can all hang out or something so I can get to know her. I mean, I'm your girlfriend," she said, almost in a 'I am marking my territory' sort of way, "and she's your best friend. I think we need to get along."

Billy grabbed her hand from across the table and lightly caressed the back of it.

"Lulu, thank you."

She smiled lightly, and they continued to eat their meal. It was a big deal, and he couldn't wait to tell Jane.

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><p>"No."<p>

Billy stared at Jane incredulously.

"No, Billy." She crossed her arms defiantly. "No, no, no."

"Jane, Lulu is my girlfriend."

"I know that, Billy."

"And I'm asking you, as my friend, as my _best _friend, to please give her a chance."

Jane shook her head. "No. Uh uh. I don't need to go through the list, Billy. You already know our history. The most recent event ended with me being pushed fully clothed into a pool. So this whole 'giving her a chance' thing is a little much if you ask me. I accept that you two are dating, I accept that you want me to bite my tongue and not act like she is pure evil, but you can't ask me to hang out with her. No."

Billy wasn't sure what to say to that. He had just expected Jane to say yes.

"Jane, when you got that job at Donovan Decker, I supported you. And I've done my best to help you. And now I need you to help me. Please give Lulu a chance."

Jane dropped her arms. "What is this? Are you trying to manipulate me into hanging out with Lulu? Yeah, you supported my job, that's because you're _my _friend. And I am yours, but I am _not _Lulu's. I'm not going to tell you who to date, Billy, but please don't ask me to do this. If Lulu wants to get to know me, then have her come to me; at least I'll know she's being sincere. I'm not going to play this game where you try to mediate between the two of us. Because I can promise you that won't work."

"I'm not trying to manipulate you, Janey. But I don't get it, what's the big deal with the three of us hanging out?"

"So apparently I do have to go through the list," Jane huffed. She held up her hand, closed into a fist. She detailed three key humiliations from her grade school years, lifting a finger for each one. Once she got up to 7th grade, and detailed the Nick Fadden Obsession embarrassment, Billy pleaded with her to stop.

"I know that Lulu hasn't been the nicest person to you - "

"That is such an understatement, I can't believe that you're trying to downplay it. For _years_, Lulu has messed with me just because she _could_, Billy. Do you get that? She was my personal tormenter and now she's dating my best friend. I won't lie to you, it's hard. It's so damn hard to see you two at school, and I just can't do what you want me to. Not right now. I'm sorry, Billy. I'm not saying it's fair to you, and I really don't want to hurt you, but please just try to understand that I can't."

Billy clenched his jaw, feeling like it was going to come down to a choice. And for the first time, he wasn't sure if he'd choose Jane.

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><p><strong>Bummer. Sadly, I think my least favorite person right now is...Billy. Like, dude. Why'd you have to go out with <em>Lulu <em>of all people? Honestly, I think she's just misunderstood. And so incredibly wrong for Billy. Eventually, I'd like to see a Jane/Lulu friendship form, and I'm trying my hardest not to portray her as the villain. I'm trying not to make anyone villainous, actually. But anyways. I hope you liked this enough!**

**Reviews = love, and they fuel the fire in my fingertips. La dee da. I just realized that going by 'Pyro' makes that phrase kinda humorous. **

**Please drop me a line or you'll leave me a very sad Pyro. Thanks, loves! Have a good night/day/morning! ^_^**


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